Talk Dirty To Me: The Psychology of Dirty Talk

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This is because it gives the other person a heads up on what is enjoyed in a space that is without time pressure and with privacy. “With a mindset of curiosity, simply explore your partner’s thoughts and feelings around dirty talk and then share your own thoughts/feelings,” she says. “Mutualistic dirty talk is sexy because it’s a positive bid to connect with your partner. And research supports that when these bids are accepted, they not only improve overall relationship satisfaction but ultimately build trust between partners,” says Rullo.

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• Rather than trying to channel your inner porn star, use phrases that will feel good to you (and your partner).
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New research explores how many people are into dirty talk and why it’s arousing.

Once you’re sold on the idea of dirty talk, it can be challenging to know where to begin. Dr. Jansen says it’s best to wait until after sex—“maybe on a walk or hanging out on the couch, not during the sexual moment”—to approach your partner with feedback or check in. That check-in could include what you loved and what was really good as well as any corrections or minor adjustments if you have them.

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To dip your toe into dirty talk waters, O’Reilly suggests starting out with what feels normal for you and your partner. For instance, if you met on a hookup app and have already had kinky sex together, it might feel very natural to start discussing dirty talk. But if you met in a more chaste context and haven’t done much outside of vanilla sex (or had sex at all), discussing dirty talk could feel daunting. According to John Mayer, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist at Doctor on Demand, there’s science behind why talking dirty feels good.

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Knowing this ahead of time, he will also be extra encouraging and responsive when you make the effort, which will make you feel safer, while doubling the excitement between you. As a result, the erotic spark gets outsourced to novels, clubs, and pornography. I’m about to break down the deeper mechanics of what turns him on, and give you some examples of it in action, so you can start pressing his buttons, and even improvise your own saucy lines on the spot. “One possibility is maybe she has a dependent personality and maybe she likes the idea of submitting to a dominant, powerful force,” she said.

What’s important for you to know is that for the ones who enjoy it, the way they like it might vary. Some enjoy only the very soft-core vanilla-like dirty talk. So listen to your partner, and think about what is best for your sex life.

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“Practice expressing your needs and wants and encourage your partner to do the same and be ready to deliver the goods.” The brain and how it organizes the rest of our erogenous zones is further proof of the crucial role of the brain in determining both sex drive and sexual pleasure. In the right context, that’s just a confirmation, a positive response to your question. Laughter is obviously not the reaction you’re going for when you’re talking dirty. But O’Reilly says that indulging your sense of humor can help both you and your partner ease into things.